30th...

I always drive people away. I put these walls around me hoping one would pass and see through me. I shut them out completely thinking they would fight their way in. But just as they fail, my hopes and I fail me.

I always thought I would be better in time, as long as I put this strong and calm face. I told myself, one day, I'll wake up and I won't feel any of these. And every waking day, I keep on asking myself, "How do I feel?" And I'm left with an answer I cannot even admit to myself.

It still hurts. A lot. It hurts as if it hurts today. Not even like yesterday. The pain is still there. The bitterness. The wound. I could feel every little thing. But I'm not sure where it's coming from. I would be lying if I'd say that it's all because of him. NO. The pain is the same or even greater than before but it's not just because of him. Or the other him. I've realized these pains are what I've become --- the loss of good friends I thought were true, the loneliness of being alone, the struggle, the denials, the reality...

It all comes down to one thing: they became part of me. Or rather, I became part of them that I cannot move on. I look around and still, nobody's strong enough to be there for me. So much for dreaming, hoping and believing... I want to give everything up. But I'm a fighter. I fight even if I loss everything. I stand even if I'm worn out. I love even if I'm scarred. But I cannot make that one step forward. All I did is fall and stand up but I never really made a step. A step breaking all barriers and finally letting everything go... And then let God.

Yes, at the end of it all, there's one 'thing' or 'person' whom I know will never, ever let me down. He's there, I know. He's just watching until when I'll be proud of myself and finally ask Him to take over me --- to let Him and other people finally love me.

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Here I am staring at those last words... Love me. BLANKLY.

It was just a dream…

I dreamed of you the other night. It felt so real. So true. I couldn’t remember what happened anymore. But I could still feel ‘it’ until now. You were there. You were holding me tight. You were looking at me like I’m the only lady in the world. And I could feel the love that I’ve been longing for… I couldn’t explain it but I felt it. How could it happen? All you did is tell me those words… But you never did anything. Not once that I could remember or feel… But in my dream, I was so happy… Satisfied… Relieved of all the pain that we’ve caused each other…  I still close my eyes every time I want to feel ‘it’ again… It touches my soul… It reaches my heart…

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I miss Baguio… I miss your “hey’s…” I miss you… And all I could do is miss you and shout everything I feel here hoping it will reach you one day… We cannot undo what’s been done… I cannot take you away from her… She who knows how to appreciate your love… I cannot be that person you wanted… This is all I could do…

Matthew Perryman Jones | Until the Last Falling Star

kahit paano...

Posible pa bang mahalin kita ngayon? Kung kailan huli na ang lahat?

'Yan ka na naman kase... Puro salita... Puro salita... Wala namang gawa... Kailan mo nga ba naiparamdam sa akin yung mga sinasabi mo? Ako naman si tanga, kahit hindi makaramdam, panay pa rin ang paniwala sa'yo. Panay pa rin ang asa sa'yo na isang araw, maipaparamdam mo rin yang mga sinasabi mo. Pero ilang gabi pa lang ang nakalipas mula nung nagkalakas ka ng loob na kausapin ako pero hanggang dun na naman ba yun? Alam ko, hindi ba ako handa. Hindi pa ako magaling. Ni hindi ko pa nga naiintindihan kung bakit mo ginawa yun sa akin dati. Pero sabi ko, pinatawad na kita nung nag-sorry ka nung isang gabi. Ganon kadali. At ewan, sa isang iglap, lalong lumakas yung pinakatatago kong nararamdaman para sa'yo noon. Na oo, pagkakamali ko lang, mas pinili ko siya kahit na alam kong ikaw yung tunay na nagmamahal sa akin (dahil sabi mo). Tanga ko lang, ang tanga mo rin lang. Ang hina mo rin kase. Hindi ka ganon kalakas. Sana yung mga huling sinabi mo magkatotoo. Sana dumating yung araw na yun. Dahil hindi ko alam kung anuman yung nararamdaman ko ngayon - pangungulila sa'yo? O kalungkutan ng pag-iisa ko? O hindi ko lang maamin na mahal kita kahit pano. Na kailangan kita. Kaso hindi ko alam kung babalik pa yung taong itinataboy ko noon. Pero hindi ko rin masabi kase natatakot ako ngayon na kung kailan ako naman yung nasa sitwasyon na to, ikaw naman yung tuluyan nang nagbago. Sana kahit paano maisip mo yun...

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miss na kita boss... :(