I always drive people away. I put these walls around me hoping one would pass and see through me. I shut them out completely thinking they would fight their way in. But just as they fail, my hopes and I fail me.
I always thought I would be better in time, as long as I put this strong and calm face. I told myself, one day, I'll wake up and I won't feel any of these. And every waking day, I keep on asking myself, "How do I feel?" And I'm left with an answer I cannot even admit to myself.
It still hurts. A lot. It hurts as if it hurts today. Not even like yesterday. The pain is still there. The bitterness. The wound. I could feel every little thing. But I'm not sure where it's coming from. I would be lying if I'd say that it's all because of him. NO. The pain is the same or even greater than before but it's not just because of him. Or the other him. I've realized these pains are what I've become --- the loss of good friends I thought were true, the loneliness of being alone, the struggle, the denials, the reality...
It all comes down to one thing: they became part of me. Or rather, I became part of them that I cannot move on. I look around and still, nobody's strong enough to be there for me. So much for dreaming, hoping and believing... I want to give everything up. But I'm a fighter. I fight even if I loss everything. I stand even if I'm worn out. I love even if I'm scarred. But I cannot make that one step forward. All I did is fall and stand up but I never really made a step. A step breaking all barriers and finally letting everything go... And then let God.
Yes, at the end of it all, there's one 'thing' or 'person' whom I know will never, ever let me down. He's there, I know. He's just watching until when I'll be proud of myself and finally ask Him to take over me --- to let Him and other people finally love me.
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Here I am staring at those last words... Love me. BLANKLY.
